Defeating School Shooters with Cans of Beans

I just…. I can’t make this stuff up.


Instead, students should consume the beans each day. If there is a school shooter, they should ask him to lay down his weapon, or the students will collectively fart in his direction.

In all seriousness, this is one of the dumbest things I’ve read in a long time, and that’s including all of the trolling I’ve done on CNN. Yes, if I had a can of beans as my only weapon against a school shooter, I would in fact throw the can at the shooter. However, arming myself with a can of beans is ridiculous.

My absolute favorite quote from this article and interview is, “The canned food item could stun the intruder or even knock him out until the police arrive. The canned food item will give the students a sense of empowerment to protect themselves and will make them feel secure in case an intruder enters the classroom.”

Yes, nothing makes me feel as empowered as a can of beans. I can get rid of my gun collection and gun safe and replace them with a pantry full of beans. Feel the empowerment!

If I misuse a can of beans, can I still blame Bush?


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